The day I've been dreading

I have been dreading this day for 18 years. Since the day you were born, I've been dreading your 18th birthday.

I used to think about this day and imagine what you would be doing at this moment in time. You would be a senior in high school. You would be driving a car. You would no doubt have a girlfriend who would infringe on our mommy/son relationship. You would still call me mommy. Even in front of your friends. You would be on the basketball team.

You would take said girlfriend on dates and to the prom. Your friends would hang out at our house. We would be planning for graduation. And COLLEGE. For the first 4 years of your life, I looked forward to your 18th birthday with the same sense of dread that most parents do. The dread of knowing that your baby is no longer a baby, but a grown man getting ready to spread his wings and fly. It was a sort of happy dread.

Then cancer happened. and you were gone. and my happy dread was replaced with anger, and bitterness, and hurt, and pain and emptiness. The future I had planned for you in my mind was gone. Never going to happen. So, for the last 14 years I have dreaded this day with more dread than I could ever imagine feeling. Part of me wants to skip the day. Pretend like its not happening. Stay in my bed with the covers over my head. Not feel anything at all.  But the other part of me wants to feel it all. I want to remember the way I felt when I felt you move in my belly the first time. The lump that was in my throat when I first heard your heartbeat. The overwhelming joy I felt when I held you for the first time and you grabbed my finger with your hand. I want to feel my heart warm like it did the first time you smiled at me. and the first time you said mom. and the first time you crawled, or walked or ran. 

And I want to feel the pain of it all. because the pain makes it real. the pain makes you real. the pain says you were here. you did exist. as much as it hurts, I want to feel it. I don't know why your life had to be so short. or why you had to endure so much while you were on this Earth. What I do know is that I am forever grateful and so humbled that I was chosen to be your mommy. I count it an honor that God picked us to be your family. Through your journey, I have learned so much about love and life and showing up when God calls us to. Even if it hurts and even if it leaves us with dread.

Today, I will remember all the happy times we had with you in those 4 short years. I will remember all the times you would stick your tongue out at us. and all the times your would talk about farting and pooping. because what 4 year old boy doesn't? and I will remember all the strength and faith you showed along your journey with cancer. And today, I will feel a peace knowing that you are in Heaven, celebrating your big 1-8, with the best party thrower ever! We love you Morgan Alexander Short! Happy 18th Birthday!