The day I've been dreading

I have been dreading this day for 18 years. Since the day you were born, I've been dreading your 18th birthday.

I used to think about this day and imagine what you would be doing at this moment in time. You would be a senior in high school. You would be driving a car. You would no doubt have a girlfriend who would infringe on our mommy/son relationship. You would still call me mommy. Even in front of your friends. You would be on the basketball team.

You would take said girlfriend on dates and to the prom. Your friends would hang out at our house. We would be planning for graduation. And COLLEGE. For the first 4 years of your life, I looked forward to your 18th birthday with the same sense of dread that most parents do. The dread of knowing that your baby is no longer a baby, but a grown man getting ready to spread his wings and fly. It was a sort of happy dread.

Then cancer happened. and you were gone. and my happy dread was replaced with anger, and bitterness, and hurt, and pain and emptiness. The future I had planned for you in my mind was gone. Never going to happen. So, for the last 14 years I have dreaded this day with more dread than I could ever imagine feeling. Part of me wants to skip the day. Pretend like its not happening. Stay in my bed with the covers over my head. Not feel anything at all.  But the other part of me wants to feel it all. I want to remember the way I felt when I felt you move in my belly the first time. The lump that was in my throat when I first heard your heartbeat. The overwhelming joy I felt when I held you for the first time and you grabbed my finger with your hand. I want to feel my heart warm like it did the first time you smiled at me. and the first time you said mom. and the first time you crawled, or walked or ran. 

And I want to feel the pain of it all. because the pain makes it real. the pain makes you real. the pain says you were here. you did exist. as much as it hurts, I want to feel it. I don't know why your life had to be so short. or why you had to endure so much while you were on this Earth. What I do know is that I am forever grateful and so humbled that I was chosen to be your mommy. I count it an honor that God picked us to be your family. Through your journey, I have learned so much about love and life and showing up when God calls us to. Even if it hurts and even if it leaves us with dread.

Today, I will remember all the happy times we had with you in those 4 short years. I will remember all the times you would stick your tongue out at us. and all the times your would talk about farting and pooping. because what 4 year old boy doesn't? and I will remember all the strength and faith you showed along your journey with cancer. And today, I will feel a peace knowing that you are in Heaven, celebrating your big 1-8, with the best party thrower ever! We love you Morgan Alexander Short! Happy 18th Birthday!

One week post op!

Yesterday was one since my gastric sleeve surgery! Everything went good with the surgery...from what I remember ;) I was pretty out of it the first couple days. The drugs they had me must have been pretty good! Mike says I did ok, I was just trying to get the babies outta the bushes where they were smoking cigarettes...apparently I was talking out of head! Lol!! I vaguely remember walking to the car about 6 hours after surgery and going to the hotel. That night I was pretty nauseous, but once I was able to keep the meds down, I was good! I think I only took pain meds for about 3 days after...I really have felt pretty good...but very tired...I was on liquids only for the first week, but now I have transitioned into pureed foods, so that has helped with my energy level some. It's so weird though, I get hungry and my mind still thinks, I could eat a whole plate of food, but then I start eating and 3-4 bites, and I am full!! It's definitely as much mental as anything!

Today I am down 25lbs, and still have a ways to go, but I'm thrilled with that progress over 3 weeks! Stay tuned for more updates as I Journey on!!

Now that's some willpower!!!

Mike has been in Vegas this week, so I have doing dinner duty for the kids while on this lovely (insert sarcasm here) preop diet! I have been trying to make things that normally don't seem that appealing to me...but let me tell you, being on this preop diet, I will be honest, EVERYTHING seems appealing...anyhoo, things got kind of busy tonight and so I said how about pizza? They were cool with that...HOWEVER.....they requested PIZZA KING!!!! Are you kidding me?!?!? Why not just dangle a steak in front of a tiger!!! Let me tell you, there is nothing better then a corner of pizza king royal feast!! The smell alone was almost enough to send me over the edge!




But.....I did it!!!! Or should I say, I didn't do it...I did not sneak one bite of that yummy goodness!!! Woohoo for small victories!!! Down to 3 days left till surgery and I am realizing that I have to make this journey one day...but usually more like one hour at a time...am I proud of myself for not sneaking a bite??? You betcha :)

The Journey Begins....

So I thought I would start a blog to keep up with my new weight loss journey.  After much deliberation, I made the decision to move forward with gastric sleeve surgery.  I will have the surgery this coming monday, April 29th.

A little background about my battle with weight loss and what led me to this decision.

I never struggled with my weight growing up.  Even into my teens and early 20's it was never an issue. I got married and had 2 children. Still never was an issue. Then my world got turned upside down. We lost our 4 year old son, Morgan to cancer on August 9, 2002.  Then on December 14th, the same year, I lost my mom to lung cancer.

This is when I started to turning to food.  I have heard of people who don't eat when the grieve, mine was the opposite. Food was my comfort...I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was mad, then over time, as I began to heal, I ate when I was happy.

Since then, I have tried it all....Weight watchers, Atkins, South Beach, Advocare...you name it, I have tried it. I would have some success, then I would "fall off the wagon" and gain it all back, and then some...It just became a viscous cycle.  Then I had a friend who had amazing success with the gastric sleeve and encouraged me to look into it.  It took me about a year, to finally get the guts to do it, but here I am, 4 days before the surgery.  I am nervous, but I am so excited!  I have been on a pre op diet for the past 10 days and I am already down 14 pounds! That in itself, is enough to let me know that I have made the right decision.  For those of you who think that I am taking the easy way out, think again! This diet has SUCKED!! Protien shakes, nasty soups and 1 protein bar a day...Thank GOD for sugar free popsicles and sugar free jello! My insurance does NOT cover this surgery, so we are paying for it out of pocket.  I know going into this my eating habits can never be the same.  This is not the easy way out, this is a mere stepping stone to get my health back on track so that I can enjoy life again, so that I am here for my kids and God willing, someday my grandkids.  I hope that you will follow my journey!


Here's a starting pic...this was Christmas 2011...hopefully, as the months go on, you'll be seeing a lot less of me ;)

Our Remodel

Before and after pics of our kitchen/family room remodel...it amazing what knocking down a couple walls can do!!